This isn’t going to be my usual bs that I throw out on the internet. I just wanted to talk about something that I recently got a wake up call too. There’s so many people in the world without depression and self harm tendencies and you know, I used to say oh god at least I don’t self harm. Then when I was researching it I realized I do and it made me sad. Not because of the physical damage I am doing to my body but because for a moment maybe even a while I was happy. I mean I know what happy feels like but it leaves so fast and you just sit there completely spent. That’s one of the major problems with depression in my opinion. Don’t get me wrong, it’s great that there’s people out there studying it, but I could care less about what their studies show. If it’s not from the mouth of someone there it’s not something you can understand. People can’t study the embarrassment that I and others like me(now just we) have to go through. “I’m going to be out for first period today” “Why is that?” and then you just say doctors appointment and try to save yourself from saying the truth that you’re going to a doctor who’s just making sure you aren’t insane so they can keep you doped up. Maybe I’m just reading to much into this, per usual but it feels almost like if I’m going to a doctor that’s almost a hour away every month don’t you think you’d notice? “Sorry can’t hang out Doctors Appointment” “What for?” “Oh you know just make sure I don’t go insane and try to off myself. God forbid I does anything to hurt the rug; stain remover is just so hard to get these days” But the thing is I can’t trust myself. And it’s something you Normals don’t really get, that feeling when you realize there is really no one out there, not even yourself. I mean sure some lies are good in one sense, but some are just, painful. Standing in front of my class saying that I was strong, that I’m a survivor. I know nothing of survival. I’m not strong. i’m weak, weaker than all of them, all of my classmates. If i was strong enough I would be able to look in the mirror and be myself. Because it’s all bull. “I am who I am, me.” I’m not me. This is just another face, another mask to live. I feel lost because when you look in the mirror you see part of yourself. I only see a stranger to weak and pathetic to stop.
Have you ever been surrounded by people and still felt completely alone? That feeling you get where you feel alone is almost always my 24/7
So I was thinking about this whilst I was browsing the inter webs and I realized that lace is like a slutty thing in and of itself but if you pair it with the right outfit its like oh look how cute she is lets show grandma!! i mean really; if you really stop to think about it, it is one of the most versatile materials EVER. You know you show a little skin, oh I’m such a bad girl lala what the frick ever la let me push my boobs out and wear a gigantic push up bra but oh god forbid you catch them looking.
I just realized that I have become that person.
*bashes head repeatedly into wall*
It’s official I am now the overly critical pessimistic person I am in real life but since I’m on the internet I’m a troll. Can someone please shoot me? It’s bad enough that I write about my own delusional off centered rants but making even more sarcastic comments? Blurgh.
Hey I think Im going to put some of my depressing poetry on here. 😦 sorry if you don’t like it; sucks to be you; but I’m curious; should I put it as a seperate page or a post for each???
Hello my populous!
Doesn’t that sound cool??
Anyway I’m actually incredibly bored right now in science class . And if you happen to be a cop then I’m not actually skipping; yet I am. I prefer the term skipping class in your mind. So while I’m not actually skipping class; I am slipping in my head. Besides I think we all know if I did everything I thought about; I’d be in jail for life by now.
One might say, but Olivia, you’re so pretty and funny; why would people not like being around you??
You obviously have never met me.
In fact dear children, the main reason I can not get a boyfriend is because quite simply I am screwed up. Certain experiences from when I was younger have screwed me up to the point where I find it hard to trust anyone or show who I really am. Which leads me to inevitably, usually in a rather harsh tone tell the person of interest (POI) to leave me alone. It has gotten to the point where apparently people have noticed a pattern between rejections.
I have in fact, had a friend tell me that I will never get into a relationship if I keep acting like that. Honestly, I wouldn’t mind being in a relationship but (pardon me for being serious here) I think I’m scared of hurting myself. I believe I’m scared of showing someone who I really am; which is sad because noone should be scared to show who they are. So Unfortantualy, I’ve found that when I get scared; I usually get mean. Ignoring the fact that our entire relationship would be a scam lets just consider how much I would hurt them. I mean isn’t it better to hurt someone now to keep then from hurting more later? Maybe one day I’ll find someone or find the courage to tell them how i feel but for know I guess I’m staying sad and alone.
And another one bites the dust.
This ones gonna be short but to the point. I hate hate hate HATE it when I’m trying to tell people this simple message about me and they don’t get it or think they can change me. the message?? Here ya go:
95% OF THE TIME I DON’T LIKE PEOPLE, AND THAT PROBABLY INCLUDES YOU!
I mean really; you would think after the first couple times y’all would start to get the message. With the exception of a few amazing people of course; but overall the rule stands: I DON’T LIKE PEOPLE.
F YOU PEOPLE ahem some people bother me. A lot. Enough that you make me want to have you get shot, fall of a bridge, and then get eaten by a shark when you walk up acting all cheery. If I wanted to talk to you; I’d talk to you! Normally I’ll give somebody I’ve never met a chance or two and I’m not all mean or cold but afterward ph! Girlfriend, you had your chance! Prepare for ICE ICE BABY. It is on in a manner similar to donkey kong!
Anyway I have to go class now but don’t worry; more things you don’t care about are on the way to theevilstepsister!
Right so cruddy excuse time….I’ve actually been busy doing nothing this summer except well, um, nothing. I have no excuse but give me enough time and I’ll think of one I swear!! Anyway, I have officially started my second week of school and I have OFFICIALLY decided to reject it. Because all of you were totally waiting to hear my opinion I know. Such is the burden of the rich and fabulous. Not that I would know, but one can always dream cant they? Anyway back on topic (you know assuming there was actually a halfway decent topic) I have given high school a week and being completely honest here (pinky swear) its just like middle school except there’s more people I don’t care about. Really. And with my luck I’ll fail math and science; you know it’s bad when people in my class think I’m good at math. My bus is about to pull up so ciao to yall(multicultural leaving)
At the book discussion we learned each others names. We also talked about the characters and foreshadowing. We established were we would read to next week and our expectations for reading and doing work. Namely, if everyone does what they should they all get cream puffs at the end.
Next book discussion we will talk about what has been going on and how it effects the main characters life. We will also talk bout how We would feel in his shoes. Another thing that will be discussed is character development for the main character and the teacher.